Literally the mom life chose me. I’ve talked about it before, I never wanted to be a mom. Changing diapers, puke, snotty noses – No thank you. I’ll pass. Obviously the universe had other plans and obviously I was a dumb kid that made dumb mistakes and life started early. I wouldn’t change a thing and can’t imagine my life any other way.
When my son was probably about a month old (forgive me for not remembering, it was nearly 15 years ago), he had a poopy diaper so I went to change him. He proceeded to pee all over me. I didn’t get the cover on or diaper switched out fast enough. I changed my clothes and went to attempt number 2 at changing him. While getting him all cleaned up, he freaking pooped on me. After getting him and myself clean and yet another change of clothes, as I was holding him he puked over my shoulder and down my back. When I tell you I wanted to quit being a mom so bad that day. Another change of clothes, a load of laundry started because at this point nothing is clean, and lots of tears on my part. Then holding him and looking down seeing this beautiful baby boy I created I knew I was meant for this.
My daughter refused to ever take a bottle. She was breastfed and would literally rather starve and scream her head off than take a bottle. For the longest time she wouldn’t take a binky/pacifier either. She would wake up in the night and want to nurse. It never stopped. I was semi-used to that as duh babies wake up hungry at night. What I wasn’t used to was having to do it by myself all the time because this stubborn baby girl would not take a bottle to saver her life. She would nurse until she fell asleep, but wouldn’t let me break suction. I was tired, exhausted, and now stuck sleeping in an uncomfortable rocking chair. I was trapped. Anytime the suction was broken she would start crying and not stop until she got it back. After some trial and error we discovered a binky/pacifier she liked. That was it. That was all she needed, comfort. I missed it though. I missed cuddling her as she slept. So many times I snuck in and just held her as she slept. Looking down at that sweet face of hers.
So many days were hard and it was hard to appreciate what I had. Like when your kid throws a tantrum in the middle of the store and you have to abandon your cart while carrying your kicking screaming kid out of the store. Or when they get sick and don’t make it do the bathroom in time so now you have to shampoo carpet. You’re not mad because they’re sick and they can’t help it, but it’s super frustrating. Or when they say I hate you for the first time and it cuts you deeper than you ever thought it would. Or when you spent all that time cooking and they refuse to eat it. Some days are hard. It’s not always about the big things, but sometimes the little things when you’ve had a rough day yourself. It’s hard to appreciate this amazing blessing you have on a hard day.
Even on the hard days, so many things were worth it. A hug after a long hard day. Seeing your kid win an award at the school assembly. Watching them win their first football game. Knowing you are the one person that can make anything better. Cuddling them until they fall asleep. Watching their face light up as you hang their art on the fridge. Seeing them preform in their first talent show. Watching them graduate elementary school. Getting to go on field trips and seeing them with all their friends. Hearing them say “I love you mommy.” So many moments big and small make it all so worth it.
I’m in a different stage of motherhood now. The stage between motherhood and otherhood where they still need you, but they don’t need you. Gone are the days of holding my hand just because I’m mom. Or kisses before bedtime or leaving the house. Or wanting to do things with me like color or play with toys. Or wanting me to hold them when they’re sick. Or wanting me to walk them to their first day of school. Or just wanting to hang out with me. There’s so many things I miss both little and big, but still so many things to look forward to like graduating high school. Having their first date. First school dance. Moving out on their own. Getting married. Having kids of their own if they choose to. Watching them live their dreams. Purchase their first homes. Have families of their own.
I may not have chose the mom life, but I’m glad it chose me. Life loves to throw us curveballs and we do the best we can. I knew every hard moment would be followed by many good moments. It was and is never easy, but it’s always, always worth ever last second. All the moments that have passed. All the moments left to look forward to. All the moments I miss. It is all worth every last second.