I may not be the best person to be writing this. I sometimes struggle with apologizing for things I don’t need to apologize for. It’s a habit I guess that is just apart of who I am. Really though, it’s a curse. Many times the apology comes from acknowledging a ‘flaw’ within myself before someone has a chance to mention it themselves. It’s so unnecessary.
Knowing the flaw of my need to apologize made me see others apologizing as well. In posts on social media, videos on Tik Tok and YouTube, everywhere. The things people apologize for is crazy and really unnecessary. We need to realize we are doing this and stop. It got me thinking though, why do we apologize so much and more importantly, why are we apologizing unnecessarily? So I did some research to find out.
Women are literally programmed to apologize. Yeah you read that right. From the moment we are an adolescent and individuation (process of becoming a unique individual) begins. We are told to be smart, ambitious, and successful, but with certain conditions. Be confident, but not conceited. Be smart, but not a know it all. Be ambitious, but to not try too hard. Be assertive, but try not to upset anyone.
Women are expected to be empathetic and hyper aware of how their actions affect other people around them. This often leads us to downplay our successes as to not upset anyone. We have to be careful though as to not get negative social feedback, which usually comes from other women. Our assertiveness means that we are bossy. Our confidence means that we are conceited. The negative feedback usually comes in the form of shaming. Women shame other women for appearing pushy, overly confident, or too forward.
It’s sad really. Sad that women are the main cause for making other women feel like they need to stop being confident, assertive, and smart. We should be pumping each other up. Celebrating each others successes. Supporting each other however we can and making each other feel like the queen boss babes that we are. We should be encouraging each other to apply for that job. Get that raise. Start that business. Wear that outfit. We should be always making each other feel how we want to feel and never putting each other down. Do better, be better.
Learning to stop over apologizing is of course easier said than done like many things. The first step is realizing your behavior of over apologizing. Seeing when you do it, how often you do it, and taking steps to stop it. Be mindful of your own language. Did I really need to apologize just then? Speak in an assured, confident manner, and be comfortable expressing your ideas. Take baby steps if you have to, I know I will be working myself to stop over apologizing.
Things women need to stop apologizing for:
- Talking. This is a big one that drives me nuts to see people doing it and I myself do it from time to time. You deserve to be apart of the conversation. You deserve your voice to be heard. You have a powerful voice, let it be heard.
- How you look. This is one I’m seeing more and more frequently. Stop apologizing for how you look. No one is noticing that your hair is slightly out of place until you mention it. No one cares that you just woke up and decided to make that video. Embrace your looks in all it’s messy, imperfect ways.
- Walking in front of people. This one is my biggest issue. You know when you’re walking in the grocery store and have to walk in front of someone as they’re staring intently at the shelf. You don’t need to apologize for grocery shopping.
- Not wearing makeup. This one drives me nuts. Wear makeup, don’t wear makeup, who cares. Stop apologizing for not fitting into this beauty box society has created and expects us all to fit in. Do you boo and embrace every second of it.
- Being too loud or too quiet. Be loud. Be quiet. Be whatever you want to be and embrace every damn second of it. Your ‘loudness’ is big and assertive. That’s scary to people, but you shouldn’t be scared of that. Your ‘quietness’ is annoying because people can’t understand you, but maybe you’re just shy. Keep being shy. Keep being quiet. Keep being you.
- The way your body looks. Stop apologizing for your bad skin, stretch marks, love handles, thickness, thinness, everything. We are all only human. Our bodies are all built different. We’ve all been through different things that may affect the way our bodies look. Embrace all that is you, every imperfectly perfect thing that makes you the beautiful queen you are.
- The clothes you wear. Wear the damn clothes. If you like something, you feel good in it, and want to wear it, then wear it. Stop apologizing for not having the body type ‘appropriate’ for that clothing. Clothing trends are lame in that they are trying separate us into groups based on body size and type. We aren’t playing into that. WEAR THE CLOTHES.
- Having emotions. We as women are full of emotions, but we shouldn’t be apologizing for them. Be sad. Get mad. Cry. Scream. Feel everything you need to feel because bottling those emotions up isn’t healthy for you physically or mentally. Embrace those emotions that you feel with all that you are and let them out when you need to. It’s healthy to feel your emotions. Don’t ever feel bad for having emotions, we all have them.
Learning to stop apologizing when it isn’t necessary isn’t easy. I’m still working on it myself. Exude confidence and assertiveness. Be smart and ambitious. Stand out from the crowd in all that is you and never be sorry for that. You are a beautiful, powerful, intelligent, confident queen that deserves to see that for herself and acknowledge that without feeling sorry for it.