There was a time in my life where I wanted nothing more than to make certain people in my life proud of me. I wanted to be good enough they would be proud of me. I wanted them to brag about me and all the things I’ve accomplished. I quickly learned it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough. Honestly where I’m at in life, I’m totally okay with that, but there was a time when I wasn’t.
I don’t know when it all started, but I got pregnant at 15 and had my son at 16. It wasn’t ideal, but it was the cards I was dealt. I know that devastated a lot of people in my life and they were disappointed in me. I know [art of that was because to them my life was over. I would never graduate. I would never go to college. I wouldn’t be a good mom. So many thing I wouldn’t be able to do or accomplish because I was a young mom. Despite the many challenges I faced, I did graduate. I did attend college online at a later time, but I went nonetheless. And I became one hell of a mom always putting my kids first.
When I got married at 19 and was preparing for my husband to deploy, I was again disappointing people around me. I wasn’t old enough to be getting married and my family wasn’t particularly fond of my new husband. I got pregnant by him just a few years earlier and they still held that against him. I wasn’t capable of being a good mom and surviving my husband’s deployment because I’m young and it’d be too hard for me. Once again I proved everyone wrong. Looking back now getting married at 19 was crazy, but I wasn’t your average 19 year old. I was a mom and in a relationship I knew would last. We have now been together 15 years and married for almost 12. As for the deployment, nothing about that was easy – caring for my son alone, not hearing from my husband for long periods of time, not knowing if he would come home, everything. It was the longest, hardest year, but we survived and our relationship was stronger because of it.
Just about every decision I’ve made in my life has disappointed people around me. No matter how hard I tried or how good I was doing, nothing was ever good enough. It used to destroy me. I wanted nothing more than to make people close to me proud. I would cry and get disappointed in myself because people lead me to believe I wasn’t good enough or trying hard enough or capable of doing good in life. That really sucked. My life choices weren’t bad. I wasn’t doing bad. I was doing everything I could to be the best mom, wife, daughter, and friend I could be, but it was never enough for some people. Then I realized you can’t make everyone happy and live up to their crazy expectations of you.
I’m not sorry that I am who I am. The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to change my life. The direction it was heading was not good and my son saved me. I graduated high school because I wanted to, because I pushed myself to succeed, and because I refused to be a drop out. I got married because I wanted to and because I knew we’d have a love that would last. I went to college because I wanted so much more for myself and my kids. I wanted to accomplish something I could be proud of and have something to show my kids that no matter what life throws at you, you can do it. Whatever it is, you can do it. Every decision I’ve made in my life has lead me to where I am. I am incredibly proud and impressed with all I’ve accomplished and what I will continue to accomplish.
I am no longer concerned with what others expect of me. I spent way too long feeling bad for disappointing people when all that matters is whether or not I’m proud of me. Other people’s expectations of you are nothing more than expectations and they don’t matter. I’m not sorry I was never good enough in your eyes and I’m not sorry I didn’t live up to the expectations you set for me. The only thing I’m sorry for is allowing people to make me feel like I was never good enough. Like it didn’t matter what I did I was a failure. I have always done what I felt was right for me and would lead me to the life I want to live. Not all of the decisions I made were great, but I don’t regret any of them.
Every decision I ever made good or bad has lead me to who I am today. I love her. I am strong, ambitious, smart, kind hearted, determined, strong willed, and I refuse to give up. I don’t regret a damn thing about my life or the decisions I’ve made except that I should have spent more time being proud of me and what I’ve accomplished. Spend more time being proud of you. Spend more time celebrating you. Stop giving people the satisfaction of making you feel like a failure. You are an amazing person and every accomplishment you’ve done no matter how big or small is awesome. I’m so proud of you.