Ironic isn’t it? I preach about stopping the self-doubt and how we’re not failures because no one’s perfect and we all have our days. Yet here I am feeling like a failure. Feeling like I’m not living up to the mom I know I can be. Feeling completely depleted and like I have nothing left to give. It happens. I wish it didn’t, but it does.
There’s a certain amount of preparedness parents take when they’re kids will be home for the summer. We know when summer break starts and when it ends. When I say prepared I mean planning meals, vacations, activities, and anything else summer vacation brings. When we’re thrown for a loop some of us adjust well and some of us don’t. I however fall into the adjusting well category most of the time, but not this time. I’m not adjusting well. I need a break. I need everything to go back to normal.
Listen I love my kids to death. I really do. In fact a majority of what I do is for them and to give them the best life I can give them. That being said, I’m tired. I’m tired of looking at what they built on Minecraft. Or the ‘tricks’ they learned on their bike, scooter, or trampoline. Or the picture they drew or the thing they made. Or hearing about the toy they’ve owned for years and just found in their room somewhere. I’m just over it.
Usually I love these types of things. Hearing about their day. Looking at their award, drawing, artwork. Helping them with homework. Seeing what they built on Minecraft. Watching their new tricks. It’s who I am. I’m their biggest cheerleader. In fact our hallway is their own personal ‘hall of fame’ dedicated to their awards and artwork over the years. Right now I’m tapped out. It’s been a long few months and I’m so ready for them to go back to school, but summer is just starting.
Now I’m feeling like a failure as a mom. I want nothing more than to care about their tricks, toys, artwork, crafts, and Minecraft builds. I just don’t have it in me. I’ve depleted my awesomes, cools, and you did so goods. How selfish of me, right? Who wouldn’t care about their kids and all they do? It’s not that I don’t care because I absolutely do, I’m just exhausted. We’ve been stuck at home and that’s all they’ve had to do was show me all the things.
I hate feeling like a failure. I know I’m not failing as a mom. I’ve put myself last the last few months because I needed to. I was a teacher, a mother, a wife, and working from home. I was no longer important as I did my best to keep my kids on schedule with school, keep the house clean, be the best wife I could be, and work from home all in the middle of a pandemic. All while trying to keep life as normal as possible and while being on a stay at home order. I was doing the best I could.
THe only person I failed was me. I let myself get exhausted, depleted, and to a place where I felt like I was failing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times again because even I need the reminder – put yourself first. You cannot do your best and be your best when you don’t take care of yourself. This is the prime example of what happens when you don’t put yourself first. Rest and recharge when you need to. Practice self care. Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Whatever you need to do because you’re not you when you don’t take care of yourself.