Sorry for not blogging lately. Things haven’t been super great and when they get bad it’s hard to blog. I will put a disclaimer for anyone that may find this story hard to read. It will cover my latest battle with depression. You’ve been warned.
The last 2 weeks have been really hard. The kids are home from school because of the quarantine and stay at home order in place. My husband got a second job, so he’s working 7 days a week. If he’s not at work, he’s sleeping. I’m doing everything completely on my own and it got to me. It got to me bad. I began to slide into the deep dark hole I worked so hard to get out of and stay away from. My depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was feeling lower than I ever had before. I don’t know why it started. It felt like it came completely out of left field. I quit taking care of myself (eating, sleeping, exercising, etc.). I quit taking care of the house. I tried to do my best and be the best for my kids. I just didn’t have it in me. I was failing. I felt like the world would be better off without me.
Once again I fell into feeling like a burden, so I didn’t reach out to anyone. I felt like they wouldn’t understand. Like I would be bugging them if I asked for help. Then while texting a friend one night I told her what was going on, but tried to play it off. The next day another friend randomly called me. We talked every night for the next 3 days. Then another. It was like a chain reaction of support had opened up out of nowhere. None of them know each other. Slowly everyday it got a little better. Then it dawned on me, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I’ve made a point of doing self-care activities as much as I could, one day a week minimum, but with the kids home and my husband gone all the time, I forgot about me. We were all adjusting to the new “normal” schedules. To things we’d never done before, but me being me took on all the stress and I forgot about me. That had to change.
I got up, forced myself to shower, shave my face, exfoliate, lotion up, and do my hair and makeup. I left the house for the first time to get some groceries. I felt better, not great, but better and that was a start. The next day I did the same. Took time for me and did my hair and makeup. I felt just a little better. Then a girl I went to school with reached out to me and I made a new friend. She understood the struggle and helped me out so much. I had been holding back tears for days. I’m the strong one, I can’t cry. I began bawling my eyes out. I cried for 15 minutes. I didn’t deserve someone being so nice to me and helping me out when she didn’t have to. It felt so good to cry. I needed to have that breakdown and I didn’t realize. Then I started dancing the depression away. I needed to feel like myself again and dancing helped me do that. I was on the up and up finally. Slowly beginning to feel like myself again.
I’m not 100% myself yet, but I’m getting there. Depression looks like many things. It looks like the friend or family member smiling all the time. It looks like the friend or family member telling jokes to make everyone laugh. It looks like the friend or family member with the ‘perfect’ life on social media. Rarely does it look like them struggling to hold it all together or crying in their bathroom. It looks different for everyone and can be hard to notice. Look for changes in their social media postings, their lack of wanting to hang out, changes in their mood, whatever seems off to you. Especially right now with so many people quarantined. Check on your strong friends. We are not okay. We are silently struggling because we’re the strong ones. Life is crazy for everyone right now, don’t forget to check on your friends, family, and loved ones. Whatever you’re going through, you CAN get through it and everything WILL BE OKAY. Stay healthy.