The unbearable mom guilt has set in. I’m a better mom now than I’ve ever been and that makes me feel guilty. When it comes to being a mom I’m always winging it. Even on my best days I’m okay-ish. I mean it’s only my second rodeo. Are we supposed to be perfect on our second rodeo? Are we supposed to have everything figured out? That seems unrealistic. I’m still a newbie in the rodeo game, even after 13 years. In case you’re wondering, I’m not actually talking about rodeos. I’m using that as an analogy. But yeah, I feel really guilty I’m a better mom the second time around. That sucks for my son, my first born.
My son, my first born had it all. He had a hard working mom struggling to finish school while working full time. He had a mom dedicated to doing everything she could in that moment for their futures. He had a mom that needed to work on patience. A mom that needed to slow down and wait for him when he needed her. He had a good mom, but a mom that still had so much to learn. That mom, the first version got on the floor and played, colored in coloring books, snuggled and watched movies, never left his hospital bed when he was sick, that mom gave it her all in every way she could. Still that mom wasn’t enough.
My daughter, my second born had it all and so much more. She had a mom that loved harder than she ever could before. She had a hardworking, determined mom that went back to school to better their futures. She had a mom that didn’t care about life outside her kids. She had a mom that learned patience and strived to be patient. She had a mom that slowed down and always waited. She had a great mom, but a mom that still had a lot to learn. That mom, the second version got on the floor and played, colored in coloring books, played at the park, snuggled and watched movies, kissed all the boo-boos, that mom gave it her all. Still that mom wasn’t enough.
The third and current mom version came as I grew and as my kids grew. That mom is hardworking, dedicated, and determined. Everything she is and wants to be is because of her kids. Everything she strives to accomplish is because of her kids. That mom gets on the floor and plays, colors in coloring books, practices patience, plays at the park, kisses boo-boos, dances like an idiot, snuggles and watches movies, helps with homework, volunteers at the school, goes on field trips. That mom dedicates her life and her whole being to being a mom in the best way she can. That mom goes out of her way for school projects, birthday parties, school events, and class parties. The third and current mom is the ultimate mom version.
The mom guilt I feel because I’m a better mom now than I’ve ever been is ridiculous. I feel like my son being my first born meant he got the short end of the stick. In a way he did, but not because of me. Him being my first born meant a lot of trial and error, but I was always the best mom I could be. Him getting the short end of the stick comes from the learning process motherhood takes. No one has kids and instantly knows everything. Your motherly instinct can kick in, but it’s not going to tell you how to handle every situation or every moment. Even being a seasoned vet and having your second or third kid, you still have basically everything to learn. For real. Your second will make you take everything you thought you knew and throw it right out the window because everything is different now. The guilt of being a better mom now, 13 years later (or too late) kills me. Truthfully, there is nothing I could have done differently. I couldn’t learn, grow, adapt, or change any faster then I already was.
The mom that you are right now is enough. The mom that you are is exactly what your kids need right now. The mom that you are is what your kids will remember as perfect. If you started off right from the beginning being the mom you always hoped to be, where do you go from there? How do you become better? Motherhood is this crazy imperfect journey women are on where no journey is the same and it’s full of flaws whether from your own doing or because that’s just the way it is. I promise you the mom you are right now is the mom that your kid needs you to be. You will forever be evolving into the mom your kid needs you to be. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t feel guilty for not being the mom you think you should be. Whatever mom version of yourself you can be on any given day at any given moment is exactly what your kids need and it is enough.