I never wanted to be a mom, but 13 years ago it happened and here we are. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change a thing, but being a mom isn’t easy. I didn’t have any expectations before throwing myself into motherhood, but I would have never expected this is how it would be. Always tired. Always repeating myself. Living off caffeine. Hoping I can survive another day. Motherhood is such a complex, ever changing journey that just rocks your world. Not necessarily in a bad way, but not always in a good way either.
You can be going through your day feeling like a rockstar. Like a badass mama. Like you’re on top of the world, then *BOOM* reality takes over. You in fact aren’t a rockstar because despite teaching your kids anything and everything you felt age appropriate, you forgot to cover their friends coming out to them or what foster care is. You see, it doesn’t matter how prepared you think you are, the universe has other plans for you. Your kids have questions you’re not prepared to answer. Sometimes it is things you never even thought about talking about. Sometimes it’s things you have dreaded talking about.
It’s not just a whirlwind of crazy unexpected moments that throw you for a loop. It’s using the same technique for your daughter that you used with your son and it not working. It’s always learning how to handle every situation as they are happening. It’s learning the best way to punish a child when they are in the wrong. It’s deciding what’s best for them and having them hate you for it. It’s being stuck in a constant war to brush their teeth or clean their room. It’s running yourself thin to make your kids happy. It’s so many conscious and unconscious decisions made in the moment and constantly hoping for the best. Every second, every day it’s something new.
Not to mention the toll motherhood takes on mom. The constant worry of whether or not you are doing a good job. The feeling that you made the wrong choice. Always wanting better for your kids even when you’re giving them everything you can. Always trying to rack your brain to come up with the best answer to every question. Always staying up late for whatever is needed, even when you are tired. Always being torn between I’m doing an awesome job and who the hell let me become a mom.
Motherhood isn’t easy. It’s complicated. It’s messy. It’s complex. It makes you laugh. It makes you cry. It makes you worry. It stresses you out. It teaches you things that you didn’t know you knew. It shows you who you are. It requires compassion, patience, love, empathy, strength. It requires you to put yourself last. It requires you to be so much more than you ever imagined you would be. It requires you to take things one day at a time, one moment at a times, one situation at a time. Don’t make expectations for yourself because motherhood will take your expectations and make you hold it’s beer. Motherhood is the most unpredictable journey you will ever go on and it isn’t easy.